He Loves ME

I did not grow up knowing the love & acceptance of a father.

My mom married the only man brave enough to venture into the arena of “Dad” - just as I was nearing my teen years (poor man!). By that time my little girl heart was mostly closed off to receiving love from anyone who dared to attempt the "father" role.

Oh, I loved him, and desperately needed him to love me too - but it was safer to believe that he wouldn't be able to love me – and so with each parenting mistake he innocently fell into, my heart would harden just a little more.

Somehow I got it into my head that if I could just be perfect, I'd be lovable – and LAWD how I tried... at least for a little while, until the truth came crashing in!

I could not – in and of myself – be perfect.

Thus armed, I threw myself head long into being a screw-up. If it was deemed illegal, socially unacceptable, wrong, or foolish – I jumped in with gusto (picture a female version of “Bender” from Breakfast Club).

All my rebellion & bad a** attitude left me with was a sea of shame to drown in.

I struggled in that muck for several years, until I hit my breaking point & took hold of Jesus' hand, which had always been extended, patiently waiting for me to accept Him.

It would be several years before the hardness of my heart was softened enough to believe that God – Holy, Perfect & abiding in light so radiant that I would melt in the beams of it – could accept me... just as I was.

It wasn't until I became the parent of strong willed, independent teenagers, that I began to understand the truths I'm about to convey.

We have 3 teenagers - one of whom is grown, living on his own and nearing his 20's. I don't get to see our kids as often as I'd like so it is especially difficult when out relationship is hindered by the tension that comes from watching someone I have given my all to, make choices that I know are not in their best interest. 

I love my kids. I love 'em when they make good choices and I love 'em when they make bad choices. I love my kids - period.

My love doesn't wax or wane, however... it is easier to ENJOY our time together when they are making good choices & I don't have to correct, discipline or cry with them through the pain of their consequences. 

God is a MUCH better parent than I am. He sees the end from the beginning and is INFINITELY more capable of loving than I am – and He used these facts to show me something about His love that just blows me away.

He carried the burden of my shame.

He rejoices over me with LOUD singing.

He dances with joy at that fact that I am His.

He carried the weight of all my screw ups – every sin - so that we could enjoy each other.

He knew I wouldn't get things perfect.

He knows that I'll do things that bring reproach on his name – and He still LIKES me.

Jesus doesn't regret all that he did to rescue me from my own folly.

He counted it a JOY because He knew in the end I'd be HIS.

God isn't shocked by any of my dirt, and He doesn't write me off when I blow it.

He always sees beyond my mess - He sees all the good things of His image that HE had planted in me; seeds that He knows will bear fruit.

I don't have to put on a “Jesus” mask. He all ready knows the parts of me that have been formed into His likeness – and the spots that still need some work.

When all I can see is my failings, and I'm inclined to hide from Him – He still desires relationship with me.

I'm so thankful for the revelation that I don't have to earn His love by being worthy!

I'm learning to partner with Holy Spirit and live a life that is WORTHY of His love, because when I fall short, it hurts His heart & it hinders my ability to accept that HE loves ME.